To Tell You

To Tell You

All Rights Reserved

totell you

I know I was rude to you,

Many times, even mean…

Sometimes I wonder if you knew

How much I really cared…

Care… Yes, care… Though you are gone,

the word must be present tense.

Today I would love to tell you

How much you meant to me…

How you made me who I am…

Today I want to thank you for your love,

And for always being there,

Even when I pushed you away…

And push I did.

I still push.

You would think I would learn.

Because I want to tell you

How much I love you…

But I can’t.

God took you home

At first I denied it…

It couldn’t be true…

You were to young…

Not even Fifty-One.

But before the denial…

Before I was told…

I already knew…

Because before that…
I begged…

Begged A God I thought I knew…

Begged for you…

Offered whatever he wanted…

But it wasn’t to be…

The barging didn’t take…

So came the denial…

The sick feeling in the pit of my stomach…

But I didn’t get to feel that for long…

To many needed me to be strong…

As God took you home.

Before I was ready for you to leave us…

Me…

I wasn’t ready for you to leave me.

Selfish?

Maybe…

But true…

Because then came the anger.

I hated you…

Hated you for leaving her…

Hurting her…

Especially her…

Leaving them…

Hurting them…

But in the end?

Most of all for leaving me…

For making me show the world how much I really feel…

I couldn’t hide it behind my mask…

This pain was too much…

Even years later I can’t hide it…

The rawness still there…

You made me show my emotions…

Even your name can bring them to the front…

Tears to my eyes…

Pains in my chest…

The hate has gone away…

Though it took a long time…

To long maybe…

But it did go away…

In its place a gaping wound…

A gaping wound that opened a door

A door to the darkness of my mind

I had once locked in a cage

It got free because of this wound

It almost cost me my sanity…

But I got the darkness back in the cage…

And allowed the wound to start to heal…

A wound that is still healing…

Will always be healing…

Because this is a space nobody can fill…

I want to tell you I love you…

And I miss you more and more each day.

I love you Dad…

And wish you were here with me today.

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