Shades of Fear Excerpt All Rights Reserved

Shades of Fear Excerpt All Rights Reserved


“Mom, I just killed a man, I shot him. I put a gun against the man’s head and pulled the trigger. I killed a man.” Nathaniel never, in a million years thought he would go sobbing to his adoptive mother stating he had just killed a man.

Sister Bridget Marie looked at her young son. “Explain please baby.”

Nathaniel looked at his mother and nodded. “I am a Nephilim. I know an angel is my biological father. One of the archangels trains us to combat the demons. There is this group Κυνηγοί της Δαίμονες or Kynigoí tis Daímones it is Greek for Hunters of Demons, and they trained us then set us out in the world.  I got my first mission to kill this man processed by a demon. The human already dead, but this demon was wearing him like a suit. Normally we use our swords that we are trained with; however, we do have blessed guns with bullets that are forged in holy oil and holy water. In the fight I dropped my sword and ended up using my gun. The smoke of black left the body and the body fell dead. I killed a man.”

Sister Bridget Marie looked at her little boy. “No, you freed him. Now, sleep and then you will tell me everything in the morning. Don’t worry my son, everything will be alright.” She kissed his head as her son lost his battle to stay awake.

The next morning he sat with his mom and Father Richard. He sipped the tea his mother made and looked at them both. “It all started when I went to that interview. Suddenly the world exploded in color and a man who was about six foot three came and grabbed me. He explained to me that I was a Nephilim, that my father was a warrior angel. He told me he was the Archangel Michael. I, of course, demanded proof. He unleashed his wings and after I checked to make sure they were real I asked a few questions. According to the General all Nephilims start coming into their powers around ages fifteen to sixteen, they all have a disability, color blindness to deafness to being mute, one of their senses is distorted. They take you away to this training facility where time runs different. That is why I was missing this last month. Then they send you out to destroy those processed by demons.” Nathaniel took a deep breath. “It is different when you are trained for it, than actually doing it. I killed that man. No matter what I ended that life. Yes, the man was destined for hell because of his sins, yes, he was processed by a demon and it freed him, but it was still a living being and I killed it.”

Sister Bridget Marie held her son close as Father Richard thought about it. “That actually makes a lot of sense.” Father Richard stated. “Think about it Sister. He always seemed to know the good from the bad, seemed to be able to heal quickly and his only defect so to say was he was color blind. It makes a lot of sense that he went missing where time runs different as he looks an adult now instead of the kid he was when he left for the interview that day. Why did your vision explode in the law office?”

“Agares, Flauros and Rimmon, is ran by demons. Higher level ones. They make sure the balance of evil is preserved on Earth. I guess it has to be balanced; too much of one over the other would lead to the world ending. That was the price of free will.”

“The number one defense law firm is ran by high level demons. That is… something.” Father Richard stated shocked.  “Wait! One of my friends works there!”

“Most likely a demon. Very few lawyers that work there are human. Interns, personal assistants, they are human, but the lawyers, especially the partners tend to be demons.” Nathanial explained.

“So Dick is probably a demon…” father Richard sighed. “That makes sense. The man won’t come to church, he always is a little shifty, but he seemed like a decent enough man when I met him at an AA meeting.”

“Good for recruiting I hear.” Nathanial stated. He shrugged. “I met a Cambion, I was supposed to kill him but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. He hated his job. He has to make deals for souls. He goes around writing contracts giving the person what they want and hell gets their soul. They live for anywhere between five to thirty years after the date of the deal. Depending on what is negotiated. I guess being killed for anybody who isn’t human is bad. Purgatory is endless nothing. I think I would destroy my soul if I had to go through that.”

Both adults chuckled. “That would be hell for you, stick you in the largest library in existence and forbid you from reading any of the books.” Sister Bridget Marie stated.

Nathanial stuck out his tongue. “What can I say, I love my books. I am trying to figure out a way for Nephilims and Cambions to get out of their ‘destiny.’ I think it is a forced contract with loop holes, I just have to find the loop holes.”

Father Richard nodded. “If anybody can do it, you can.”

After Death

After Death
Flash Fiction
Katherine Rochholz
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The young girl looked at the words that were in an ancient book. It was made of a strange leather, she was sure it wasn’t human nor animal, the words were red as if written in blood, and they were telling her a story, or the truth, she couldn’t decide. It seemed to be a story of her life. It talked of her parents meeting, her birth, her childhood and then the pages went from white and bright and happy to a pitch black, the words barely legible. It talked of her death. Of the horrific way she was killed by a person her family had trusted. She didn’t want to read the words. But she was forced it seemed. Forced until she read every word of her horrific death; once she was finished the book fell to her feet and she looked up at the being in black that stood in front of her. “Why?”

The being gave a smile. “That is what happens when one dies young one. You are forced to relieve your life, the book made from your very ash and blood and sins. Once you are finished reliving your life, I am allowed to take you to your judgment.”

“This happens to everybody?”

The being nodded. “Yes. Your body takes its last breath and your soul is brought here, and from the ashes of your achievements and your failures the binding of your book is made giving it a leather like quality. Then the sins that scar your soul and the emotions of the events of your life are used to make the pages. Depending on the events determines the color of the pages. For those events like your death the pages are black, but your childhood happy up until thing. The tears and creases you see on the pages are from your sins. As you see, be but barely a teenager, very few but white lies give your pages any flaws. Then your life blood is used to write your story, as it carries the essence of your life, of your soul, of your emotions, of your talents and thus the story of your life. You are forced to relieve this as the judges view your life. Now come. Your judgment and choices await you.”

The young girl was lead to a court room where the seven archangels sat. Lucifer with his black wings, Michael with his gold, Gabriel with his scrolls spread out before him, Raphael had a medical text book, Uriel was playing with a ball of fire, Phanuel was making a list of actions on could take in life to gain forgiveness. Selaphiel was telling him the list of prayers that their father accepted in exchange for forgiveness. The seventh archangel was sitting in the middle between Michal and Lucifer, Barachiel to bring balance and to give the judgment decided upon. He was the voice of the archangels. An eight was sitting with Lucifer with a three pronged whip, his name Jegudiel and he was Lucifer’s right hand to punish those who went to hell. The young girl swallowed as she stood in the center facing them in this court.

Barachiel spoke up. “This is a simple case. Lily Marie Richards, age fourteen, kidnapped, raped and murdered by her mother’s step –brother. Sins include, petty shoplifting, white lies, and punching a child for bullying another. Religion was Catholic, she never went to church but did believe in the faith, she stood up for others. She is an innocent soul.”

Lucifer sighed. “Why do we do this? I mean most of the time you and Mister Perfect here can set judgment, why must we sit here all the time judging the souls? Heaven.” He gave his vote.

Michael sneered. “Because it is what our father asked of us. Rebirth.” Michael gave his vote.

Gabriel sighed along with Raphael, who finally put down his book. “Look , must you two always fight? Rebirth.”

Raphael nodded. “Lucifer does have a point. We have other things we must do, and though time runs different in heaven and hell we are always busy and can never relax. Rebirth.”

Uriel nodded and put out his fire. “I agree. We must talk to father about this, but stop fighting. Heaven.”

Phanuel looked at the girl. “Heaven.” He wasn’t about to get drawn in again to the fighting.

Selaphiel nodded. “This fighting should have stopped thousands of years ago. Rebirth.”

Barachiel sighed. “Please stop this bickering you are thousands of years old. Jegudiel, you are not needed to send this child on. Rebirth.” He looked at the child. “You have been judged to be reborn to live again. I hope you have a longer and peaceful life. Afriel, take her to be reborn.”

With that Lily was lead to the reincarnation chamber. Lily smiled, she was happy she would have another chance at living and she blocked out the sounds of the bickering angels as her soul was given a new life.

Project of the Day: Editing Shades of Fear

Project of the Day: Editing Shades of Fear
Shades of Fear
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A woman with golden hair and eyes that were reminiscent of the fires of hell stood with a babe clutched to her chest. The night was cold, unusually cold for a June night in the Midwest United States. It was foggy, the rain that threatened to fall hung in the air. But there she stood holding this precious being, that should not exist, to her and hating herself for what she was about to do. “I am so sorry, my child.” she whispered as she put a bind upon what was his rightful inheritance. But no matter her own power the bind would, at most, last until his twenty first birthday. She hoped it lasted that long. She knew he would be trained as a Nephilim; but he would need that training to win the war against those who fear change.
She laid the child down in front of the rectory of the church. She was not lost on the irony that she was dropping her child off in front of a Catholic Church. She chuckled, for immortal beings those very beings resisted change like humans tried to prevent plagues. She sighed, she wasn’t immune to the resistance of change any more than the others of her kind, but she had long ago learned pouting and throwing a temper tantrum would not stop the change.
She bent to kiss the child’s head. “No matter why I do this, I do love you Nathaniel Samuelson.” She whispered as she wrapped him in a blanket and left him lay in the basket, upon the note she placed within the basket she had left it simply stated:
‘Nathaniel Damion Samuels,
June Sixth The Year Of Our Lord 2001.
To Whom Finds This Child,
This child is destined to change the existence of heaven, hell, and Earth. Take care of him, love him, and encourage him… for everything depends upon him. Tell him his mother loves him but couldn’t keep him.
L. Samuels’
With that and one last kiss to her child’s head she turned on her heel and with a rustle of wings she was gone.
Seconds later a young nun opened the door and let out a gasp as she picked up the child. She read the note. Something told her to not share more than his name and date of birth with the others. She would raise him as her own. She would get both her dreams. To be a Bride of Christ and be a mother. With that she turned to file the guardianship paperwork that the law required and inform the proper authorities. After all one must follow not only the laws of God but the law of man. “Don’t worry Miss Samuels, Nathaniel will be loved with everything I have in me.” This young nun whispered into the air, just as she looked into the blinking green eyes of the babe.

The League of The Throw-Aways

The League of The Throw-Aways

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I started a league of assassins. I took those I knew had the power to become not only powerful, even if like myself they kept their Elemental Power tightly bound within themselves, but those who saved themselves. I first took Cara, then Lyn, and then Marie, and finally Scarlet and trained them to be elite and set them on their own path. But before I was a mentor to other throw aways like myself; I was a young girl who was thrown away for having Power… Many would say too much. After all I was only the fifth person in the history of time to be able to control all 4 Elements. But this isn’t about them. This is about my story. This is about how I started our group of assassins. How I started on my path and created The League of The Throw Aways.


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Truth and Lies Past and Present
Katherine Lillian Fitz had only known one type of world. . . one of hard living on the streets. Then she finds out she is a witch. Now she is thrown into a new world, her world, and for once she thought life would be better. But she was wrong. A dark force is out to kill her, and she is shocked to her core when she finds out how important to her life this person is. Will she be able to come out the victor with her innocence intact or will she once and for all lose the young innocence she has even though she had lived on the cold hard streets of New York? Only time will tell. . .
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A Nightmare Within A Dream
Katherine Lillian Fitz has survived her first year in the the magical world. But a New Enemy has picked up the fight that Wesley Solomon lost. Raven Ebony seeks to destroy Katy just as her brother did, and she just might have her chance. As Katy lets her family know what really happened in the dungeon for death, Katy may have just lost the will to fight. But when it seems all hope is lost, and Darkness has spread, a small shimmer of light can be all she needs to do things she must do, to save those she loves with her heart, her life, her soul. Which may end up being the cost of this war.
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Hunted: A Katy Lily Series Companion
Antonio Cain MacCathmhaoil never intended to be come a professor like his father, but life has a way of changing one’s plans.
After a tragic event he applied for and accepted a job at Bridgett’s School for the Magical Arts.
There he met Sandra Porter and knew she was his soul mate.
She did not feel the same…
She ran.
But she was then captured by the Witch Hunters…
Then the hunters became the hunted.
Antonio vowed to bring her home.
But first he had to save her from those who hunted…
Available Now!


The Veil Lifts
Katherine Lillian Fitz: Goodness.
Are they one in the same? The magical world seems to be convinced. Katy holds onto a shadow of a doubt as it would mean the person she had once loved the most, the person who loved her as a child, the person who was once all she hand, the person that she mourned for five years, that her mother would be her greatest enemy…
But before she can deal with the White Being that still tempts her, before dealing with her mother who may or may not be alive, she has to deal with a much more serious situation… Not only has her Aunt Aaliyah broken out from Ghastly, the main Witch’s Prison and Katy Lily determined to find a way to prove her innocence no matter the cost…
But Katy has a growing Darkness inside of her… A Darkness that threatens to overwhelm and consume her and worst of all… two people blood related are encouraging her to harness this Darkness and use it… What will happen? Will Katy Lily find her way from the Darkness back into the light or when The Veil Lifts will all be forever lost?
Available Now!


Corruption? A Katy Lily Series Companion
Senka Poe could not wait to go to Bridgett’s School for the Magical Arts.  She never imagined she might not finish.  But fate had other plans for her…  A plan she couldn’t find the strength to ignore… or deny.   But sometimes things are not what they seem and her life will go from a dream to a nightmare… A choice will have to be made… But can she turn her back on what she wants?  Does she have the strength to turn her back on the corruption of her soul?  Can she find the light within the darkness evading her life?  Senka is about to find out…
She loved him more than her soul… but she wasn’t about to risk her child’s…  Turn her back on the corruption of her soul? Can she find the light within the Darkness evading her life?  In its purest form can  she resist Corruption? After all nobody is born evil…. even Lucifer was once an angel…
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The Katy Lily Series: The Beginning
Discover The Katy Lily Series By Author Katherine Rochholz. This Box Set includes the first three books of The Katy Lily Series, Truth and Lies Past and Present, A Nightmare Within A Dream, and The Veil Lifts. It also includes bonus Novelette Corruption? Journey with Katy Lily through her world. Discover the Darkness within the Light. And the Light within the Darkness.
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The World Of The Katy Lily Series: A Short Companion Guide
A Short Companion Guide of The Katy Lily Series. Discover The Master Symbols, The Magical Beings and The Five Magical Artifacts of the Katy Lily Series.
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Elemental Mazes
Katherine Lillian Fitz has had The Veil Lifted from her eyes…
She still struggles with her nightmares within her new life…
She is still trying to discover the truth about her past and the lies about her present…
But for as much danger as she has faced nothing has prepared her for the mazes.
The Seven Largest Magical Schools are coming together for a tournament that only happens every seven years;, Elemental Mazes.
Seven Mazes around the world;
Two months each to get through them;
The contestants win or lose, many can die…
And now they must survive not only the Elemental Mazes that has taken the lives of many contestants in the past…
But Senka is no longer content to sit on the sidelines and is determined to have her daughter back at her side.
Will Katy Lily be able to resist her mother?
Will she and the others be able to survive the mazes?
Only time will tell and this time the journey may lead straight to their ending.
Journey with Katy Lily through her world…
Discover the darkness within the light…
And the light within the darkness.
Coming soon!


Falling Pieces
Katherine Lillian has survived the mazes. She has been putting together the puzzle pieces of her life. And now the pieces of her life seem to be fitting into places. But the problem isn’t knowing what is coming…
The problem is that she knows what is coming. She must protect her family. And it is more important now as Riley and Haley are young parents and are being targeted by Senka… The White Being… Her own mother… The reason? Senka wants Katherine by her side and she will do anything to get it. Even killing everybody Katherine holds dear.
She also finds out about one of two puzzles she must solve to be able to end this war. The Ancient Artifacts. She must learn about them. Find them. And one day combine them. But will she be able to do it? Can she pay the cost that will have to be paid? Only time will tell. But one thing is for sure…
The Pieces Are Falling…
But The Ending Is Far From Clear…


Forgiven Revenge: A Katy Lily Series Companion
Erin O’Hara was on a mission. A mission to get her revenge. Werewolves had killed her father and her sister and she wanted revenge. What she hadn’t anticipated was being attacked by rouge warlocks. Erin preformed a dark spell. One of the darkest to grant immortality… to her sister. And that is when she met her destiny.
Evan O’ Connaill was the son of the chief. He was working to bring down the rouge weres when he came upon two women who had been attacked. He sensed the black magic and would have let his father do what he wanted but then he looked into her eyes. And he knew he had to have this woman. Now he just had to convince her to give an old werewolf a chance… especially since it was his brother who killed her father.
Will Erin’s thirst for revenge over the possibility of a bright future? Or will love truly triumph over the bitterness and darkness in her soul?
Coming Soon


Dark Shadows
Dark Times are ahead.  Katy Lily will have choices she has to make.  Things she must do.  But will she be able to survive the Dark Shadows of her soul?  Will she be able to handle the heartache and the responsibilities thrust upon her?  The war between Darkness and Goodness is building to a fever pitch and already Katy Lily has lost more than she thought she could live through… What more will be taken from her as the Dark Shadows descend upon their lives? Will the choices she make be the right ones or will they lead her into the Darkness?
Coming Soon


Pure Shadows
Katherine Lillian MacCathmhaoil has fought the Dark Shadows.
She has picked up the falling pieces of the puzzle.
She has made her way through the Elemental Mazes.
She has had the veil lifted from her eyes.
She has fought the nightmare within her dream.
She faced the truth of her past and the lies of her present.
Now only one thing remains, the final year…
The Final Battle…
Shadow against Light…
Senka Against Katherine…
Darkness Against Goodness…
It all comes down to this…
The Final War for Earth…
Journey with Katy Lily through her world…
Discover the darkness within the light…
And the light within the Darkness…
Coming Soon




Short Story: Time of Death

Time Of Death
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This is the story of my mother as I remember her. We had this small clock; it still was in working condition, which was amazing considering it was made in 1575. It was made by an ancestor named Jacques Caffieri (no relation to the famous gilder, but a great gilder in his own right). My name is not important, but my mother’s was Marianne. She was adopted into the family, so thus was not blood, nor am I, of the Caffieli family. However as an only child she was raised without knowledge of her adoption, and so she spoiled, up until the very day the demon entered our lives. I was four. I can still remember the death in my mother’s eyes, when she lost her battle. This is the story of her battle.
“What a beautiful clock!” Marianne exclaimed. “Thank you, Daddy!” Marianne opened her wedding gift from her father.
“It has been passed from father to daughter for generations in our family.” Her father stated.
“It was mine, as the youngest child of all boys; it was presented to my wife and me. Presented to your mother. God rest her soul.” Her father as he made the sign of the cross.
“It is gorgeous. I love it daddy!” Marianne hugged her father.
Years went by before Marianne realized what was going on. She just felt sick and weak all the time. At first she just thought it was her pregnancy, but she still felt ill even after I was born. She tried with every ounce of her strength to defeat the feelings. Then one day, as the doctor told us then, she had come as close to death as she could and still be alive, and that is when she saw him.
Jacques, his spirit, had his hands on her shoulders, he had just finished strapping a choker to her throat, one in which a ribbon dangled, wrapped around his hand. “For you my love,” he whispered as he would every morning, and as he had been. Now we could see him, my mother’s dying soul gave him enough strength for me to see him.
“Thank you.” Marianne responded automatically, before she became scared. She screamed for awhile but soon the demon, who called himself Jacques, charmed her.
Over the next couple of years she had a relationship with him. He wooed her and charmed her; she spent almost every moment with him. My father was too afraid to tell anyone that his wife was having a relationship with a being that was not there. He was afraid she would be called a witch. Though they were no longer burned at the stake they would be banned from the Christian community for things such as this, and she was too weak for a priest to perform an exorcism. He was afraid it would kill her, and a few more months with his love was worth the price of her insanity in his eyes.
She was neglecting me, as she slowly joined the land of the lost. By the time of my fourth birthday I constantly tried to tie her to me instead. But I knew I was failing, some days she would snap out of it and join me. Sometimes I would even have her back for a couple of weeks at time. But just days after my forth birthday we lost her again.
I watched, as I continued to fight for her, as she faded away. I knew I would lose the fight. On the last day I figured out and accepted I would lose, but I tried one last plea. “Momma…. Please…”
“I am so sorry baby…” She rasped as I watched the demon latched the choker around her throat one last time. She took her last breath as death filled her eyes. I watched as my mother’s soul joined the demon’s within the clock.
That night, as my father buried the body of my mother. I took the clock and went down to my father’s shop. He was a black smith and the small gold plated Ormolu created by Jacques Caffieri, I threw into my father’s molten rock.
I don’t know how long I sat there and watched the clock burn, but it seemed like days. Then right before the last part melted, I heard two screams fill the air and I knew two things. The first was that the demon would never claim another life and second my mother’s soul was released to whatever afterlife awaited here.
Many years later on my grandfather’s death bed he told me of the young baby he found in the middle of the road the day of his young bride’s death. His wife had died in childbirth with their own young daughter, he lost them both and he was in so much grief. When he found my mother he had taken it as a sign from God that he was to raise a daughter. But at that moment I knew the truth, that the demon had orchestrated it so he could destroy my mother’s soul.
As I lay here on my death bed, I tell my many children and many generations of grandchildren, as they surrounded my bed. I know now it is time for this story to be told. I have lived for over a hundred years, now I know I am free to tell the truth as soon I will join the afterlife and whatever the fates have in store for me. I tell my children and the grandchildren the story of my mother’s descent into darkness, not to warn them but to inform them, that there are truly demons in this world.
I am gasping my last breast with a smile on my face when there is a knock at the door. My oldest child comes in with a package. “Mom, it is for you.”
I use what strength I have and open it and my eyes widen in shock and fear. It is the clock I destroyed over a hundred years ago. “No….” I gasp with my last breath.

Short Story: Mistakes, Love, Life

Mistakes, Love, Life
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I look down and see myself. I am dying. I know I am. The doctors are trying to save me. But I know they will not be able to, and that makes my soul grieve. Not for me but for him. My baby, the only thing that made me clean up my life. And for my soul mate, our son and she were the only reason I knew I had succeeded in staying clean. So if I cleaned up, why am I laying dying on a table at the age of thirty-two? Well, follow me as my life flashes before my eyes, and the answer will show itself. My mistakes, my hopes, my dreams, and my losses brought me here and the journey was a wild ride. Let’s start at the beginning.
I was born on a very cold summer day. It was raining, and I was brought home to a very cold house. My mother didn’t really want a baby, but she wanted my father. He wanted a child. But he worked all the time, so I was left alone with my mother. She ignored me. So I went and learned things out on streets. I only went to school because the city made me go. I was smart, but I didn’t really want to be in school. I was bored. I couldn’t sit still. I was running already with a bad crowd. By the time I was in my early teens I was having sex, doing drugs, drinking, and doing a whole lot of things that I shouldn’t have been doing. My father passed away when I was fourteen. I ran from home. I was not going to be stuck with my mother. I ran to New York.
Within weeks, I knew I had to do something, shoplifting and stealing was only getting me so far. I was still on drugs, my drug of choice being cocaine, and it was expensive. I met a woman one night she told me that as a teen I could make a lot of money as a hooker. So I let her show me the ropes. Soon I had my own apartment; I was making enough money to keep up bills, and to keep up my drug habit. I met a man who ended up becoming my pimp. But I thought he really cared for me. I did what he said, gave him most of my money, and let him feed me even stronger drugs.
By the time I was twenty I had been working on the streets for six years and only the Goddess knows how I didn’t catch something. But I wasn’t going to give it up. It was party all night and sleep all day. The fun seemed to never end. The only part I didn’t like was the sex. I never really felt attracted to men, and here I was sleeping with at least one man a night. A lot of the time it would be more like three on a weekend night. On the slow nights I would go down and strip at a strip club, where I would be able to meet more potential ‘clients’. So I kept up this life, until one fateful night.
I was at this huge house party, some of the other girls and I were ‘rented’ for the night by this frat house. I was watching the party. I looked and saw the girl who was everywhere never wanting to be alone. I saw the girl who drank until she was numb. I saw the drugs, which for so long had been my protection from the nature of the world I chose. I knew that at the age of twenty three that the party was over. But how did I live a life sober, away from the drugs. I never graduated high school. I had no skills. How was I going to have a decent job? I sighed and took a line of blow, and went to the room with another strange man, knowing that I had to break this circle.
I woke up one morning, looked at the pile of money in my dresser. I dumped it out and counted it. Ten thousand dollars. I had ten thousand dollars to start a new life. I packed nothing; I grabbed some of my nicer clothes and grabbed a cab to the airport. I bought a plane ticket on the first flight out. I needed a new life. A clean life. I found a rehab center, and checked in under my real name. I name I hadn’t used since I left my father’s funeral. Within in two weeks there I found out I was pregnant and I knew I wouldn’t be able to give a name to the father. I felt as if I already let down the unborn baby. But I knew with a new life, I would really make an effort to keep clean. And I was excited. For once I had a real chance at a real life.
After my six weeks at rehab the set me up in a halfway house, which helped me find a job, get my GED and really start a life. By the time I was six months pregnant I had gotten my own place, and was taking night classes. And for once I was happy, without the drugs, without the numbing effect the drugs gave me. I didn’t need that party anymore. That party ended and the silence no longer scared me. It no longer spoke a truth I couldn’t hear. I for once could look at myself and love myself. I was going to be a mom, a better mom then I had. I was going tell my baby the wrongs I did. I was going to support my baby no matter what. I was going to have a real life.
My baby was born on a cold summer day, just like I was, on my twenty fourth birthday. I was happy. I got my birthday gift. My gift from the Goddess. I had found a faith that accepted me. I had a good friend that helped me find myself, to discover who I really was, where I was meant to be. And I was happy. I started a new healthy relationship, with someone I never thought I would, with a woman, who was a doctor. She knew my past; she knew everything and still loved me, she was my saving grace, my Krista. And my baby, she loved him as much as I did, whom I named after her, I named him Chris. Not Christopher. Just Chris. And we were a family.
My days went by quickly. But they were good, I watched our son grow up, and I fell more in love with the woman who was there for me through all my choices I have made once I choose a new life. I had just graduated with a degree in psychology and I wanted to help out as a therapist at the rehab center. My own had helped me, and I wanted to help others. We had planned a family vacation; we needed one after all the legal paperwork we had just done to make sure if anything happened to me, then Krista would get Chris. I had to stay late at the rehab center, as I was an intern, and was going to meet them at them at the campground we had chosen.
I had come home first to drop off some work stuff; and when I turned on the light there was a man with a gun pointed at me. My past had found me. I knew that one day he would find me. I had made him a lot of money. “How did you find me, Louis?” I asked trying not to show my fear.
“My darling, Darla, you didn’t think I wouldn’t find you?” Louis asked in a voice so cold.
“My name is not Darla, it is Rachel. I have a new life. You are not welcomed here. Leave.”
“Yes I see, a lovely woman, and a handsome son. Will they really mourn the loss of a former slut?” He asked in a sneer.
“She knows my past. She loves me no matter what. Do you want money?”
“No.” Is all he said then he pointed the gun back at me and pulled the trigger. “You took Darla’s life, so I will take yours.” He stated as he walked through my blood, and unloaded his gun into my body.
“Darla was never alive…” I stated, but I knew I was going to die. I don’t know who called the paramedics or the cops, but someone did. I was aware of how they loaded my body, my soul crying, and I was begging the Goddess to let me live. I wasn’t ready.
“I don’t think she will make it…” I heard someone say.
“NOOOOO!!!!!” I heard Krista cry out. She was holding Chris, he was crying into her shoulder.
I looked at them, wanting to tell them not to cry. I was fighting. I would fight as long as the Goddess let me. I wanted to keep my focus on them, but soon I was in a room at the local hospital. The doctors trying to do everything they could, tears in their eyes, all friends wanting to save my life. And again I begged the Goddess to let me stay with them. To let me have this chance at peace on Earth. I knew it might not happen but it didn’t stop me from fighting.
“They got him. He tried to board a plane. He went down shooting. He is dead.” Someone yelled into the room. “The man who tried to kill Rachel is dead. How is she?”
“Not good, but thank God for small favors. The piece of scum should burn in hell.” One of the doctors stated, his eyes never leaving my open wounds. “My Lord please, Jesus please, Krista and Rachel deserve a chance. They have been through so much in life. They were happy. Please Lord please let me save her. My sister needs her.” My brother-in-law, James, was working on me. I knew it was against the rules, but I had to smile. But then again by law he wasn’t my brother-in-law, only in my heart. It made me fight harder.
I don’t know how long I fought, but I heard them close me up, I heard them saying that if I lived through the night it would be a good sign, but it was in heaven’s hands. I heard James, tell Krista that I was a fighter. That there was a good chance. I heard Krista talk to him in a bunch of clinical terms. Mostly she was afraid to say my name, because she knew my chances were less than one percent.
But I fought. I counted their breaths as I fought. As a begged, as I cried for my chance at a normal life not to be taken from me this early, I didn’t want Krista and Chris to feel this grief. I knew what grief could do. I didn’t want to think of the pain, but I knew that if I focused on the pain then I might get a chance. Soon the cold I was feeling was going away. I didn’t know why. I thought the Goddess was taking me, and I was crying out, begging to say. Then I felt a flash of pain and I screamed out. I screamed out! It woke Krista.
“Rach, honey, can you hear me?”
I opened my eyes and smiled, through all the pain I smiled. The Goddess wasn’t taking me; she was going to give me my wish. “I love you.”
“I love you.” She stated bending down and giving me a kiss, the sweetest thing in the world was her kiss.
I smiled and looked into her eyes and I knew that I was really going to get my chance. I was really going to have a life to lead. No matter the cost, no matter the pain, I knew life with my Krista and Chris would be worth it. No matter the past, that no longer mattered, no matter the future, which was to worry about tomorrow, all that mattered at that moment was I was loved. All that mattered was I was alive. Nothing but the present mattered. And I was going to seize the day, and fill it with nothing but love. Every day for the rest of my life, I would work to stomp out hate, and replace it with love. “I love you.” I stated one more time and then I just held on to her as I thanked the Goddess for love, and prayed that everyone in the world was loved. I closed my eyes, letting my body rest, knowing that our love was why I was alive. I was alive because of love, and I smiled.